-haylaa-

2012-01-23T15:23:00.000+08:00

okay, i took this from one of my friend's blog.. because thats how i feel these few days..
the sad thing was, she broke up with her friend again.. ): i like that couple....

2012-01-22T18:24:00.001+08:00

Can i use this reason to cry..?

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2012-01-22T08:45:00.001+08:00

My throat's been hurting since I don't know when.. And I'm not even trying to help it heal..
Have been munching on chocolates and ice creams almost every day! D:
Sorry. I was craving for it.. :/

2012-01-21T23:54:00.002+08:00

'"the loser has to give in"
"then id rather be that fucking loser"

had a great time of my life yesterday (: love my girls alot.
they seriously put a smile on my face.. especially with all these things happening around me.

and i have yet to update about my ft island concert day! :< not today~

ive got.. 5 days of break this week. two days to myself. only two days. shall do some reflection and catching up on my school work (: im determined.

this is all i could do. to work hard.

2012-01-20T12:16:00.001+08:00

Oh. My. God. Jonghyun looks extra hot hereeee! His eyes. His smile. Heheheh

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2012-01-20T11:13:00.001+08:00

You know what this feels like? It feels like those days where I tried to talk to that guy I like. Lolol

2012-01-19T17:04:00.001+08:00

I dont want to be left alone.. someone..?

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2012-01-17T11:23:00.001+08:00

The fuck. Happened to read this while studying for psychology. About social phobia.
Extreme feelings of inferiority or inadequacy and a sense that other people are more intelligent than you or that you have nothing to say to then that will be of value.

2012-01-15T21:25:00.001+08:00

If only i had that courage. To speak up for whats right to me.

If only i had that courage.. to do what i think is right to me.

If only i had that courage. To not regret every single words i said and every actions i made.

Because im letting others know how i feel.

But no. The message didnt get through. The message was doubted. The message was just deemed as an excuse.

#okaycan i deserve it. Its my fault. Everything. No one else's.

Trying to amend it. But i guess your heart is closed..

Just blogging out what i feel.. because i feel suffocated inside. I cant breathe..

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2012-01-14T23:07:00.001+08:00

Right now.. i jyst dont want to be here. Not here.

A coward trying to run away from her problems.

If only my dream was true..

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2012-01-13T12:59:00.001+08:00

I might as well stay in thailand. With the softballers. Lesser dramas. More love. Fuck this shir

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2012-01-13T12:56:00.001+08:00

My head is throbbing like mad and my heart hurts. How bad can it get now?

Every reason that i made up is backfiring back at me. Tell me what i should do now.

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2012-01-12T17:27:00.001+08:00

I dont care about whatever others think about what happened just now. They can say whatever they want. They can blame everything on us. And i dont fuvking care anymore.

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2012-01-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

#justsaying
i love my softball girls. and my tritts too of course.
but in case youre wondering why id rather go for training tmr than to be there with you guys and the class for the bbq.. its because of that one person. seriously pissing me off. even before i started school. urgh

2012-01-07T00:29:00.004+08:00

damn. shouldnt have read my blog posts. those were all last year.

its a brand new year~! so there will be new happiness new memories to create. but at the same time, there would certainly be new drama coming up my way~

ended 2011 and started 2012 differently this time round.
to enqi: "im spending my last and first day with you"
^^

the one week spent in Thailand was seriously memorable. i could say that was a really great get away. a school trip, yet very relaxed. waking up to whatever time we want, just because #wecan, and shopping almost everyday because we have the money~ the #ideallife.

deliberately didnt buy the Thai SIM card because i didnt want to still have that attached feeling to singapore, though i want to keep in contact with my tritts still.

the first ever deeptalk/hearttohearttalk/teamtalk amongst the softball girls. letting out whats inside our hearts. which...... is a good thing AND a bad thing. but it was all done. never regret any of it people. (:

the girls playing as one for one game.. supporting each other, giving advices to each other, knowing we had done our best on the field that day.. ill always remember that day. our very first softball game together. #pureSPgirls <3
those tears.. up till now, i dont know the exact reasons to it...

haha the lost key incident. that scared the shit out of me. imagine having to pay that amount... oh gosh. waking up late = bad start to the day = losing stuff without myself knowing. hah. the moment when i found the key. that moment when we hugged like we actually won a game. hahahah and sitting/squatting on the floor not caring about our image because we were just too happy to find the key. funny shitttt! no matter what, i know you would still pay half of the amount for me~ hehe saranghae~! <3

thats all i could think of actually.. the more memorable ones ah.

lets continue to work hard together and make this team a stronger team. this way, we would not have to rely on anyone for external support because we know we can do it ourselves! my goal for this year ((:

yes, this year's goal/wish. not just for the sem. but the whole year! i want to go for another trip with you girls again! our wishes that we wrote.. its gonna come true. i believe it will.

cant save the other photos from atiqah's album.. :S blehh

kinda not happy seeing the pictures of me batting... :/

2012-01-05T23:59:00.001+08:00

i need to get over you. because there wasnt anything in the first place.
okay bye.

im back anywayyyyyy (((((: not.

2011-12-24T23:20:00.003+08:00

Feeling so fucking vexed right now. Too many things in my head. And I feel especially lonely. I miss xinyi... Didn't know she's that important in my life. Ugh.

Things to do:
1. Family tree
2. Report
3. Biochem quiz
4. Pack luggage
5. Buy necessary stuff
6. Buy gift
7. Softball notebook

Doubt I can finish my report before Chiangmai trip. Andehat I planned in my head, having them written down in my iPod. Answering the questions and when I get back from the trip, I'll just collate everything. But I dunno if I can do it.. Sigh... Alyah is so dead.

2011-12-24T23:20:00.001+08:00

The pepes dreams... What are they trying to tell me..? Seeing is supposed to recharge me from all the work. But with you appearing in my dream, I wake up feeling extra tired.... I'm tired. I need a break.

I won't ever want to work like this ever again. If not for the concert tickets and softball equipments, I wouldn't be working my ass off this month.. Sighhh

2011-12-22T14:32:00.001+08:00

just act like this whole thing never happened. continue being the you that just bat without caring on whos looking. you look good or not doesnt matter! just focus on the ball!

haven go chiangmai, but im already feeling all nervous and scared..

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2011-12-21T01:19:00.002+08:00

if im not gonna do my work tonight.. id rather sleep.. than to spend my time using laptop.

2011-12-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

had a game against PeiCai today..
and i dont know what to say about this.

im... not believing in myself once more. why cant i just catch the ball!? its just a ball. and i got hit many times already. it doesnt hurt to hurt yourself just to catch that ball you know...

i just realise i didnt catch any ball today. but its okay.. im just not mentally ready to be at the scene. as the main person. :/ need to psycho some positive thinkning into myself again. no more positivity in me..

manage to hit the ball, though it wasnt a good hit.. need to work on that CG again.

sigh.. what i didnt like today was that chance that was given to me. a strike ball deemed as a ball. what was he thinking when he gave me that chance. i didnt see that chance as a good thing... because it was just me..? and the fact that i still got a strike out despite that chance.. what does that show about myself. to others. to myself. you dont know how frustrated i was then. i wasnt grateful for that chance. i want to hit rury's balls. maybe i could get used to those fast pitch pitching and not toss balls.

my mentality is not there. i need to calm myself more. i need to talk to myself more. lol. sound so retarded. bleh

one thing to note: dont care about what coach things whenever you fail to catch the ball! dont care whther he knows youve put in effort or not. if you know you have already put in that effort, its already a good step towards confronting that ball! and thats all that matters for now. slowly, but surely alyah!

2011-12-16T23:27:00.001+08:00

nearly gave up just now. but this isnt a dream. i cant just wake up whenever i have a nightmare to end it. thats impossible.. but there wasnt any way for me to just leave it as it is either. the only way out was to go forward and overcome it.

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2011-12-15T23:43:00.001+08:00

if you knew what i had gone through in the past, you wouldnt say that..

but then again.. im just being paranoid. yes alyah. paranoid.

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2011-12-15T17:04:00.001+08:00

How do you tell if one puts in effort or not? You don't know just by looking right..?

Nobody can tell how much you've put in effort unless they see results. That's how the world is right..?

My name is smeared. And I don't wish to give excuses to clear that name.

I can do it. I'll prove to you that it's not because of laziness. I. Want. To. Play. You. Can't. Make. Me. Pull. Out.

2011-12-13T20:27:00.000+08:00

i dont understand. if you want to ask me to do it, at least you should have been consistent ah. that was seriously out of the blue. and if you did that just because i was lazing around on bed with my laptop, then id rather not listen to you. because i just feel there wasnt any effort in asking me to do it. and its unreasonable. yes i find it unreasonable.. especially coming from you. i dont want it to be this way. you doing today, and tmr? nothing. you dont care. so what was that for? for the sake of it?

forever cant understand what adults are thinking. zzzz

2011-12-13T20:06:00.001+08:00

Key added, “I saw Onew hyung cooking and felt like I discovered a new side to him. I was surprised to see him cook, but even more surprised with the taste. Why? Because I chewed on raw rice when I tasted his dish.”

hahaha sayang look at this. onew conditionnn

2011-12-09T18:39:00.001+08:00

haha blogger has this frequency showing how often i blog. and its kinda going down. hahha

okay, anyway... im posting not something good too. just wanna let someone know something..

i know im suppose to accept things as they are going to be in the future, and i kinda said i would accept it.. but i just want to let you know, im trying. but... in the midst of trying i might get unreasonable.. i might look and sound like im never going to be okay with it.. but its not that way okay? im trying. i promise im trying.

on a side note~~~ MST is overrrr! ^^ it was doable. but something happened. thats kinda making me feel injustice. still angry about it.

tomorrow's gonna be a fun day~ ^^

2011-12-09T16:50:00.001+08:00

Its not even your fucking problem why do you have to comment!

Just shut the fuck up dammit

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2011-12-07T23:24:00.001+08:00

If we’re perfect for each other, and if we’re meant to be with each other, we'll be with each other. Maybe not now, or tomorrow, but later.

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2011-12-07T22:03:00.001+08:00

If we are fated to be together, we'll meet once again in the future..

Thats what i believe.

Though things may never ever be the same anymore but we can still start anew. And start a fresh new chapter together.

I just have to tell you that, no matter what, regardless of its now or in the future when we meet again, ill still love you..

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2011-12-06T16:28:00.001+08:00

All too often most us are quick to criticize talentless idols who get by with their pretty faces, or poor music quality put out by big name labels.

So true...

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2011-12-04T23:29:00.001+08:00

and once again, i chased you away with my words.

2011-12-04T00:33:00.001+08:00

But what if the unhappiness overwhelms what makes you happy..? :/

Taken from enqi's tumblr..

2011-12-04T00:26:00.001+08:00

When things happen, my stomach calls for food. Great. Every night..

If you are intending on replying to that text, please do it now.. I don't want to wake up reading it.. Or you wait till tmr night also can.. Thank you very much.!

2011-12-02T12:56:00.001+08:00

A great way to push me aside. Thank you.

2011-12-01T09:46:00.001+08:00

Okay Alyah... act normally.

Act like nothings happened. You know nothing.

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2011-11-30T23:49:00.001+08:00

just like in dramas, if the two love each other alot, they would certainly come back to each other one day.
even if there were any misunderstanding, objections, obstacles.
if their love for each other is strong, theyll come back.
if their fate hasnt end there, theyll come back.
come back and be together.

i believe our fate hasnt end here.
i dont want it to end here.
it cant end here.
i have too many hopes in our friendship.
it cant end here just because of other people.

if it has to end, let the reason be because of us...

2011-11-30T20:04:00.001+08:00

Everything.. Everything that's happening in my life now... Just stop all these nonsense.

It is that bad till there's seriously no way I could put them in words.. Or tell anyone about it.

2011-11-30T15:00:00.001+08:00

It's nice to be in the same group as Vickie ((:

2011-11-29T22:19:00.001+08:00

Time to shut up..

But maybe, if it's getting worst I might just blow up too.. I'm serious.

2011-11-29T22:09:00.001+08:00

Since when alyah has become a nuisance.. sigh...

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2011-11-29T13:02:00.001+08:00

Kpop thing forever making me feel vexed! Pathetic or what??!

2011-11-27T20:30:00.001+08:00

Finish chapter 3 and you can go home alyah. Just this chapter!

2011-11-27T20:06:00.001+08:00

Having someone to constantly remind me of my goal.. Its a good thing. It wakes me up all the time. Good good.

And I need to tell someone about my evil motivation. And remind me what keeps me going.

2011-11-27T18:31:00.001+08:00

My pure motivation got lost.
And it's not coming back.
A different motivation came,
And it's evil...

Lolol. What kind of crap is this.

2011-11-27T16:20:00.001+08:00

Looks like im all alone now.. :/

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2011-11-26T13:37:00.001+08:00

Im finally coughing without any signs of asthma. Lol. My throat hurts... ):

2011-11-26T00:27:00.001+08:00

look at this.

2011-11-24T18:49:00.001+08:00

Maybe... i am upset.. that explains my appetite...

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2011-11-22T23:18:00.001+08:00

Haha. Maybe the chiangmai trip could actually let me have a good temporary getaway..

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2011-11-22T15:29:00.001+08:00

Im sorry im not understanding. But.. I just....

Its okay. Thats all you need to know.

2011-11-22T14:51:00.001+08:00

Look! Ive achieved one goal! I think ive improved in batting. ((:

Just need to improve on my confidence when standing in the batter box..

2011-11-22T12:50:00.001+08:00

Everything is not right. Not like it used to be. And im aware itll never be the same again. Not at all. But im still not used to it. Ill get over it. But i need more time..

Alot more than i thought.. :/

2011-11-22T12:04:00.001+08:00

—-Just like how enthusiastic learning Japanese

T : Yes! Have been studying hard! For me, I am preparing to publish a Japanese book (laugh)

K : I will design the book cover!

M : I will be the art director!

J : Because this book will be accompanied by music, I will be in charge of the music!

O : I will rectify the pronunciation!

—-So let’s say it’s confirmed! Just asking, when will it be published?

T : Hmm~ Around 20 years later (laugh)

Hahah so cute. I want buy that book if its published!

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2011-11-21T00:14:00.001+08:00

maybe all she had to do was to trust him..
maybe what he wanted her to do the most was to trust him.
stay by his side.. and follow him throughout the journey..

because, if it was really that easy to say everything out,
he would have done so.

but life is never easy.
and i believe as long as there is trust between two parties,
any relationships could last long.

no matter how close you are to a person,
never expect them to tell you everything.
because some things are better left unsaid.

and that way, you wouldnt be judged or judge a person wrongly.

2011-11-20T13:39:00.001+08:00

Alyah!!! You forgt what you learnt isit?!

Catch ball first then go to the base. Prioritise ball before base!

Use CG flex when batting.

Remember!

Maybe i should make a book to write all these. Softball reflection. Haha sounds cool

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2011-11-17T10:17:00.001+08:00

after today's outing, im gonna start working hard for my MSTs already. three more weeks to catch up with everything. especially my bio. remember what Idah said about gettingthat drive. that simple drive just to pull me through this 1.5 years left. 1.5 years left to freedom.

you might be complaining right now, but there are other people who had it wort than you and yet they are trying their best. and me? sigh...

okay! one last day to enjoy!

2011-11-16T15:51:00.001+08:00

It all begins now. The fakeness

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2011-11-16T15:13:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, there are things that cant be taken as joke alyah.

Time to binge again. bye world.

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2011-11-16T15:12:00.001+08:00

Oh well.. it has happened.

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2011-11-15T23:42:00.001+08:00

I cant seem to hate people.. Please tell me thats a good thing.. :/

2011-11-15T22:12:00.001+08:00

I took the risk to make that promise
.

Because if ever you break that promise, youll know how i feel.

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2011-11-15T11:50:00.001+08:00

Teary eyed.. why cant fiction be a reality..

Having to know that fictionwill always remain as fiction...

Bleh. What am i rambling.

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2011-11-14T22:59:00.001+08:00

Even if the past insists on repeating itself.. Just not that way.

2011-11-14T21:44:00.001+08:00

As much as im angry/upset at you, i couldnt do anything. Because im more frustrated with your environment tht made you feel this way.

But even so, i wish you could have controlled yourself better. I wish you could have lashed it out elsewhere. On something else.

Because you dont know how much it hurts to think that one day you might just not be able to control it and make that a habit.

You dont know how scared im feeling right now. How scary itd be when it happens.

I dont want to find out one day that youve lost it. And ive lost you.

It hurts for you. But this is not the way. Just not this.

The trishaw cant work without you. This trishaw needs to last. It needs to...

2011-11-13T23:32:00.001+08:00

Sometimes i feel that i need to stay a distance from you. Just in case..

2011-11-11T11:33:00.001+08:00

Even i love you
Starts to sound like a lie

2011-11-10T12:40:00.001+08:00

Fucking vexed! Urgh

2011-11-09T23:39:00.001+08:00

Why does it hurt when i know i made the right choice tonight?

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2011-11-09T22:30:00.001+08:00

Point to take not!:
1. Never stay stationary when you want catch the ball! Move a few steps back from your original position so that you can take a few steps towards your position/ball! *to get your momentum*

2. After getting the ball, run towards potential stealers or runners! Dont stay stationary after getting it! *momentummmm! *

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2011-11-09T22:25:00.001+08:00

Honestly, i felt good after the batting. But the anger doesnt go away. The frustrations are still there. So.. batting doesnt help in releasing the negativities!

I have found a solution to my phobia of balls! Contacts! Hell yeahh! Hehe super happy with todays traininggg ^^ im satisfied!

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2011-11-09T14:51:00.001+08:00

I think... i need to prove to lots of people. I dunno what exactly that needs to be proven, but what i know is that, i need to do well for this sem.

Under achieving.. sounds like an insult to me.
And i guess mum had high expectations of me for last sem. Since i was hardcore burning midnight oil but the result..?

Lets not talk about how much ive tried my best.

So..... yea.

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2011-11-07T23:54:00.000+08:00

i was like thinking...

it was the same song. sang at almost the back of the concert.
the only difference? different venues.

maybe.. japan concert was like the ir second concert? while singapore's was like after many many concert over at other countries around the world... so maybe.... they got sick of it..? like, who wouldnt get sick of singing and performing the same songs over and over again right?

haizz.. why am i thinking so much?
no, they dont dont like singaporeans.
yes, they get bored of their own songs too. so their heart wasnt there. so they were just singing for the sake of it.

haha isnt that like still as bad as not liking singaporeans?? okayyyyy

forever being random and watching their concert video performances! never get bored of their ballad songs! ^^

hmmm...
i wanna start saving money! like seriously start saving!!!!
i want spend on concerts. hahahah i dont want miss the opportunity againnn..
i want go overseas too!~ #dreambig
well... the more down-to-earth goal: to not ask parents for money all the time anymore. instead, having the money to give/lend them the money whenever they need it. (:

2011-11-07T18:29:00.001+08:00

Maybe we juat need to read a little deeper to find it. Or maybe were so wrapped up in the previous chapter that we forget what the rest of the stiry holds. Life doesnt have to be a cliff hanger, allwe have to do is keep reading, the happy ending is out there it just takes a little plot development. Until then we always have the next chapter

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2011-11-06T20:38:00.001+08:00

The feeling of guilt of not doing my tutorials is seeping in. Maybe this was what i was waiting for. To make have the mood to do them.

Okay alyah. Its time. To start staying up late and burning midnight oil! Youve got to increase your GPA for this sem!

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2011-11-06T17:53:00.000+08:00

On their 1000th day, SHINee stood together in a circle and promised each other that they would be best friends forever, no matter what would happen in life. #SHINeeFacts

Nice..

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2011-11-04T08:10:00.001+08:00

Everytime i see you, i start to wonder why youre acting this way.
You might be feeling awkward, but what about me?
Youre forever ruining my mood. Thanks (:

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2011-11-02T15:31:00.001+08:00

Emo mode seeping in.. Sayang faster come..

Not like youll be reading this anyway. Haha

2011-11-02T13:16:00.001+08:00

A plain jane, who looks and behaves so innocently, can suddenly become the most scariest two-faced bitch.

This is how scary humans can get.
And this doesnt only happen in movies and dramas. Its the reality.

People are scheming to get what they want.

Youre worst than the bitchy tritts. Fucker

2011-11-01T12:37:00.001+08:00

Its tiring to make promises.. id rather just pop out of nowhere whenever i like..

Lacking of responsibility inside me. Tsktsk

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2011-10-30T19:33:00.002+08:00

coach is trying to make me open up.
open up, and express what im thinking inside out.
he kept making me be the captain and choose my players..
(its kinda good in a way, that i dont have to be the last few to be chosen.. but thats really not the point isnt it..?)

should i take it as a good thing..?
demo.... i cant say what i feel/think to a bunch of more experienced players..
understand..? :/

its just weird.
but...
coach: my mum taught me to eat with my hands when i was young, and it felt weird too..
geddit? lol

maybe one day, i could really dare to lead them. out loud.
instead of just saying to myself. only for myself.

ALYAH MUST START TO EXPRESS HER FEELINGS/THINKINGS OUT!
thats how you learn..

2011-10-30T16:02:00.001+08:00

What is love.
Allowing life and death without hesitation.

2011-10-30T08:58:00.001+08:00

Im of no help..

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2011-10-29T23:14:00.001+08:00

How i wish i could stand up for you. How i wish i was brave enough. How i wish going against him is a sinple thing to do.
Then you wouldnt have to feel this hurt alone..

Im sorry i wasnt of much help..

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2011-10-28T08:27:00.001+08:00

Whenever my inner voice says something, i tend to go against it. And its always right. How dumb

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2011-10-27T17:46:00.003+08:00

Have i tried my best? Did i even try? You know how he feels, yet you only care about your own feelings.

Since when are you so selfcentered alyah..

:/ i feel like going undercover. Hah. #talkbig

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2011-10-27T17:46:00.001+08:00

Have i tried my best? Did i even try? You know how he feels, yet you only care about your own feelings.

Since when are you so selfcentered alyah..

:/ i feel like going undercover. Hah. #talkbig

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2011-10-26T22:03:00.001+08:00

I think our fate has ended.

Is there even such a thing?

Boooo

2011-10-26T22:01:00.001+08:00

Can the melody of love be louder than the noise of reality?

2011-10-26T21:02:00.001+08:00

Not now alyah.. you have your eyeliner on...

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2011-10-25T21:40:00.001+08:00

Hehe i can do guy pushup~ #thankstosoftball

Shuddup kakak. I seriously can :P

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2011-10-25T10:41:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWHR73PPK6w&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

(:
finally 'brave' enough to watch these videos. haha
caught myself smiling in front of the laptop watching this..
a tinge of sadness, but its over.
no use dwelling over the past na~

2011-10-24T22:52:00.001+08:00

Sayang.. Bout the matter just now.. I figured my answer after telling you everything about it..

I guess at times, saying out what youre thinking inside or feel is better..

So... CG FLEX!
1.2. 1.2 1.2

Rhythm of life.
Whats your rhythm?

Kou ke.
.....
Yeah~

Haha! Had fun during training todayy ((:
Softballers girls are the best!
Saikou!
짱!

2011-10-24T22:18:00.001+08:00

Its... against my conscience.
No, i dont want to be two faced..

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2011-10-24T16:03:00.001+08:00

If you need to be obsessed, then be obsessed with your goals.

2011-10-24T12:40:00.001+08:00

Why does he affect us so much.. why cant he just leave us alone..

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2011-10-24T00:27:00.001+08:00

trust is in the mind! haha
okayyyy

2011-10-24T00:25:00.005+08:00

im scared to sleep.. i dont want wake up in the middle of the night having difficulties to breathe... :/
damn...

and, this time theres nothing to help me..

pleaseplease! i want to go training tmr!

2011-10-21T19:26:00.001+08:00

i kinda want to see him. why i no see him still.
alyah should stop wanting to see him.
if not he wont appear.

2011-10-21T19:25:00.005+08:00

at times like this is when i really wished someone could understand what im thinking..

sis not coming home tonight.. nobody to make things better for me tonight. ):